The C word.

No, not that "C" word, though I do have a particular hatred of it.

My hip has been bothering me for about 6 months now and in the motherly way, I of course waited until the pain was unbearable before going to the doctor because I just didn't have time for it.

After a barrage of tests, I was told that I needed additional tests so the doctor could make sure that it wasn't Cancer. Yes, that "C" word. Let me tell you, there's nothing that will scare the crap out of you faster than that word.

Then I had to wait an entire week for the test, putting me on an emotional roller coaster that no mother should have to endure while caring for small children.

Let me put your mind at rest - the test came out OK. There's no Cancer but now I have to go through more tests to figure out what is really wrong with my hip. Oh, fun.

So why am I writing about this here, now? Because I have a tendency of keeping my feelings bottled up inside and I find it cathartic to post here.

The truth is, I should have felt a huge sense of relief. I didn't. Put your mind at ease - I am so THANKFUL that I do not have Cancer! A thousand hail Mary's and promises to God about attending church followed after I got that call.

But I realized that I just haven't been happy and that I'm in a rut. Something's gotta give. So now I'm exploring what that something is. Is it going to Grad School? Is it a new job? Really, what is it? How will I figure it out? How long will that take and as a family, are we able to do it? I don't know the answers.

I do know that I love my family even deeper than I did 2 weeks ago. There really is nothing better than hearing my children laugh or snuggling up to my husband before we fall asleep. (He, of course hates this and claims he is suffocating. I tell him he must suffer for love.)

I'm glad this mess is over. I pray to God to show me the path of my future and thank him everyday for the blessings in my life. My husband, my children, my family, my friends, all the little things in life that make me smile.

To my family and friends who said such kind words and travelled this treacherous path with me this last week, I am unbelievably thankful for you. I would walk a thousand miles next to you any day, any time. I love you.