Motherhood

This week has been a little difficult for me as I struggle with my family-work life balance. It snuck up on me and has put me in the pits all week.

Matthew's father is watching Elisabeth for us until she goes back to school in August. He has been wonderful with her and they have had so much fun together already. However, I didn't realize that Elisabeth was missing me. I've always worked which meant she had to go to preschool, even before she went to real school. But our time together in the morning, talking as we drove to school was more meaningful to her than I had thought. Pop Pop has been coming to our house so we have not been sharing our morning drive this week.

Yesterday morning I went to say goodbye to her and she burst into tears. I was due to be in another city for work and had a long drive ahead of me. I stayed with her until I was really late promising her we would spend close time together when I got home, which we did. But she was really upset and I felt so guilty leaving her.

Then Jacob cried and screamed so much during the drive to his school that by the time I dropped him off, I was in tears myself.

I know that in my heart, I love my children and work hard to be everything they need. I know that Matthew and I are good parents and we would do anything for our kids. But every now and then, all of those good thoughts and intentions get thrown out the window. I'm just not feeling like such a good mother right now. I feel that my kids need more from me than I can give and I feel so guilty that I can't be there at the exact time they need me.

We don't have a choice; I have to work. Some days it's just really hard to swallow that reality. Some days the guilt lays in the back of my throat just waiting to creep up on me.

I do like working. I am focused and driven and love that my kids see me go off to work to contribute to something bigger than me. But today, I would like to be a stay-at-home mom. I will undoubtedly change my mind on that a few days from now but for today, I can hardly breathe being away from my kids.

I pray a lot lately. My husband instilled a great interest in Church and God and prayer within me. I didn't go to church as a kid so it was new to me and I do admit it is still new at times now. I looked around the net for prayers for mothers and found this one specifically for working mothers on the Creighton University website. It really spoke to me and I wanted to share it with all of you, particularly all the working mothers I know. I will keep reading it, knowing I will get through this as long as I keep my family first. It's not always easy but it's all I can do.

My Loving Creator,

You know how really tired I am. On days when things are really frantic, I consider how you made the world in seven days -- and then I try to remember that you aren't asking me to re-create that feat.

Please help me to remain a loving mother to my children and to keep some balance in my life. Help me to remember that you are with me in every packed hour of every day. As I am finishing a work project or planning dinner or buying the kids shoes, (sometimes all at the same time) help me to remember your loving care for me and let me sometimes stop for a moment and just wallow in that.

Most of all, my caring Father, let me remember to ask for help and to rely on you for strength when I have none left; for patience when mine is so often gone; and for the wisdom and endless well of compassion and love I need in my job as mother.